i wore the truth
i wore the truth
the summer at red gate
i want to wear a skull (i s’pose 1
i always have) and lick a skull’s teeth, 2
will they be slick or rough, 3
will they be like pearls? 4
will they taste like a girl 5
whose skin is forest black nok? 6
will it click like the most private joke– 7
instant, perfect, die laughing. 8
die from the tickling 9
at the coccyx of her spine, 10
she asked me to stop 11
but i couldn’t see why, 12
i wasn’t hurting her 13
in a winter river bone inlaid mirror, 14
i believe she’d rest better in mine. 15
velvet ant said, “sunset,” 16
and the sun went down. 17
i wore a bat skin the diamond boy drew 18
because it hugged me 19
so well, and its kiss was rougher 20
the way i like so well. 21
he’s a vampire i’m sure 22
but i don’t think he can tell. 23
the spider said, “rain,” 24
and the grey sky rained. 25
there was this guy, 26
he said he didn’t say 27
but he had it all figured out, 28
the red gate was his 29
and like it or not 30
it’s gonna come down 31
to a tell or show biz. 32
i wore his friendship like 33
the skinwalker i am. 34
oh, god, what have i given away? 35
walking stick said, “turn off the alarm,” 36
and we slept in. 37
i wore the bird mask he made 38
because i always wanted to fly 39
and the wire wrapping and 40
teenage girl’s strappings 41
let me escape the last best lie. 42
tarantula said, “goddamn you,” 43
and i knew i hadn’t been listening again. 44
that’s about when this girl is coming in, 45
you see i don’t know her, 46
she doesn’t know me, 47
i want so much to wear her 48
but to cut her down the middle… 49
peel her dust cover, 50
run wet fingers down her real ribs. 51
how could i possibly phrase that 52
in a way that won’t scare her? 53
that won’t reduce me the least 54
favored of the barely saved box 55
of letters. i’m sure this desire is evil, 56
everyone says i must be evil. 57
deerfly said, “come home,” 58
but there was nothing left to drink. 59
we had our miracles: 60
i loved, she forgave, 61
we wet the bed 62
and burned our stake. 63
and i think people talk to me. 64
but i’m getting ahead of myself, 65
she doesn’t know me. still, 66
we ate tails of skates, 67
stone fish piled up on the plate, 68
we spit in our masks to keep the fog out, 69
we split our lips to eat what 70
each other were about, 71
we learned what texture means, 72
we lectured the barracuda on their dirty dreams 73
drawing axioms with starfish 74
and adding saline to every proof. 75
i pulled her bodies’ tides into 76
a tight cycle of response and back beatings, 77
she sucked my spirit like she’d never eaten 78
air before. she taught my body to tell the truth. 79
we hammered the other’s shells 80
till either one of us would have 81
traded the other for a quiet room in hell 82
and we had sex. 83
sand flea said, “roll over,” 84
and we burned both sides. 85
so her brother and me 86
went to thailand for iced tea 87
and to watch the hookers 88
and talk about what we were gonna sell. 89
oh, god, what have i given away? 90
tiger beetle said, “statues,” 91
and the coma lasted too long. 92
the dijeridoom and the white faces met 93
sheets, cups of tabuli and a bee and double you set. 94
that’s funny, get it? that’s really funny. 95
but getting back to the vampire priest, 96
the boy decided which lines 97
i’d wear of goggles designed for open air 98
’cause the closed masks were filling up too quick, 99
you know, since i met her 100
the masks are all spoiled too quick. 101
every day people talk to me, i’m sure. 102
i can’t help but feel 103
the feelings i’ve stolen 104
are like a carbide steel, 105
whoops, they’re sharp 106
and dip through the air fly fed carp 107
but i’m losing it. i cry at small sounds, 108
desk splattered ink, these choice rebounds, 109
and dem fleeces so golden 110
no longer thrill me. 111
if it turns out i’m a coward (and i asked nice 112
enough) would’ja kill me? 113
silkworm said, “it’s just words,” 114
so i finished the fifth alone. 115
i want to wear that black girl instead 116
and i hate to repeat myself 117
but i’ve gotta take back everything 118
i said. let me start over. 119
she say, “really, what is it with you?” 120
scarab said, “what the fuck?” 121
so i broke every commandment of god. 122
i am a liar because i insist on telling the truth, 123
i am a liar because i wasted my youth 124
on women who will always be young. 125
because i hate murder 126
yet that’s what i do to her 127
and further it wouldn’t be as nice as five letters. 128
i’d gut shoot the bitch 129
and slap her reaching hands down 130
kick in her eyes without 131
so much as a frown, 132
find her a shallow grave near an acequia, 133
what she’d have called a ditch. 134
oh, god, what have i given away? 135
that’s not what i wanted to say. 136
i wanted to say, “let me start over.” 137
firefly said, “follow,” 138
and there we were on the water. 139
i put her on 140
the male power myth that i lifted her with 141
in the window in front of twenty five thousand to see 142
and i didn’t care what i put into me 143
any more than it matter for she. 144
digger wasp said, “go,” 145
and we ran for our lives. 146
our noses were wet and going numb 147
but we could still smell the apples on the ground 148
in the yellow grass near the buffalo fields 149
in the rich man’s back yard 150
in an impoverished mountain town 151
where these boys paint. 152
you know what i want to say? 153
that it’s all going to go away, 154
the breathing, the eating, the sleep, 155
and we will each lie 156
with formaldehyde in dirt 157
or kept as dust in a jar 158
but it’s not gonna matter to any of us 159
where we are. 160
tick said, “drink,” 161
and we had to walk home–sleep in all the daylight. 162
it’s a woman who i’ll never have 163
but it doesn’t trouble tribbles 164
or the things in the bag 165
i carry around from home to house, 166
mouth to mouth, blue and yellow 167
from nibbles i made behind the terminator shade 168
and i put the seedee on one song 169
and i belt along 170
until i’m as sick of skin 171
as i’ve ever been then 172
i understand burrough’s interzone, 173
i’m ready to go home, 174
humiliated, shamed and seeing 175
bugs on everyone’s secret face. 176
and i really thought i could win 177
but tres were styled and she held the aces. 178
do you know what i’m saying 179
or do i have to spell it out? 180
s-h-e-w-a-s-f-u-c-k-i-n-g-u-s-b-o-t-h. 181
death watch beetle said, “click,” 182
and we broke every clock in the house. 183
“looks like i bit off more than i can chew,” 184
she said to me and i relay to you 185
out of pride and perhaps to capture 186
something aimed at closing intent, 187
a denouement, a settlement, 188
a bitter but convertible statement 189
made as an aside to the ones 190
waiting for the rapture. 191
the secret to happiness isn’t 192
in preparing for death, 193
it’s hearing the bugs 194
and breathing your children’s breath. 195
lady bug said, “i was young once,” 196
and i knew she must have been so beautiful. 197
joie de vie rhymes with wanna be 198
and maybe it really is just me 199
’cause i’m prepared to say, 200
“there’s no new themes today, cuz, 201
they’ve all gone away 202
and nothing can bring them back.” 203
i’m black inside you know, 204
split me open and you’ll find dead wood 205
rotten beams, happy bugs and 206
amber paperweight screams, 207
oh, god, is that all there is anyway? 208
but there’s one thing left wanting. 209
i looked in the sky, i looked 210
in the rocks, i looked under the rugs; 211
couldn’t find it. 212
i put two and two together. 213
and that’s exactly what i mean to say. 214
butterfly said, “cry,” 215
and the evil spell was broken. 216
i’ve finally learned my lesson but 217
if i fill out the release, 218
sign the squeaky wheel confession, 219
i’m sure yer gwanna grease me too, 220
because ayn told me you need my sanction 221
and i’m not gonna admit a criminal scheme 222
just because i’m not content with what you mean. 223
premonition or wishful sinking, 224
a future for production, protection or gore, 225
you’ve gotta decide to go for the pesticide 226
or suck up the bodies by the dishful. 227
life is war, girl, and you’re the only one. 228
everything should be weighed carefully and 229
there’s something to be said on the side of neutrality 230
but for your own sake don’t risk saying it to me… 231
i’m not kidding anymore, 232
you have to decide. 233
23.10 to 28.11.94
