book of autumn thirst: it will never be mine
[book of autumn thirst]
it will never be mine
a beauty out of scale with her caste, 1
had an extra bone in her back 2
that let her walk last end of all days. 3
when she talked she talked like ragnarok: 4
the closer we are to the close 5
the nearer we are to always. 6
17.7.95
Yellow woolly bear
I have a picture of the adult moth somewhere too; a tiger moth. They’re bright white.
Update: I know why I couldn’t find the picture of the moth. It’s on video. One of these days, ha, I’ll get my Final Cut back running on my new install so I can post little movies.
Stonefly
Looked for a picture of the tiger moth from the wooly bear. Didn’t find it but did find a stonefly from the same time (two years ago). Their nymphs are acquatic so it came from the creeks. Supposedly they are a good water quality indicator. Also of interest from the Wikipedia article–
A wingless species called Capnia lacustra is unique since it is the only known insect that is fully aquatic from birth to death.
Lunching beetle
I guess it’s a longhorn beetle of some kind. Duh. They can really wreck a tree in no time.
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i wore the truth
i wore the truth
the summer at red gate
i want to wear a skull (i s’pose 1
i always have) and lick a skull’s teeth, 2
will they be slick or rough, 3
will they be like pearls? 4
will they taste like a girl 5
whose skin is forest black nok? 6
will it click like the most private joke– 7
instant, perfect, die laughing. 8
die from the tickling 9
at the coccyx of her spine, 10
she asked me to stop 11
but i couldn’t see why, 12
i wasn’t hurting her 13
in a winter river bone inlaid mirror, 14
i believe she’d rest better in mine. 15
velvet ant said, “sunset,” 16
and the sun went down. 17
i wore a bat skin the diamond boy drew 18
because it hugged me 19
so well, and its kiss was rougher 20
the way i like so well. 21
he’s a vampire i’m sure 22
but i don’t think he can tell. 23
the spider said, “rain,” 24
and the grey sky rained. 25
there was this guy, 26
he said he didn’t say 27
but he had it all figured out, 28
the red gate was his 29
and like it or not 30
it’s gonna come down 31
to a tell or show biz. 32
i wore his friendship like 33
the skinwalker i am. 34
oh, god, what have i given away? 35
walking stick said, “turn off the alarm,” 36
and we slept in. 37
i wore the bird mask he made 38
because i always wanted to fly 39
and the wire wrapping and 40
teenage girl’s strappings 41
let me escape the last best lie. 42
tarantula said, “goddamn you,” 43
and i knew i hadn’t been listening again. 44
that’s about when this girl is coming in, 45
you see i don’t know her, 46
she doesn’t know me, 47
i want so much to wear her 48
but to cut her down the middle… 49
peel her dust cover, 50
run wet fingers down her real ribs. 51
how could i possibly phrase that 52
in a way that won’t scare her? 53
that won’t reduce me the least 54
favored of the barely saved box 55
of letters. i’m sure this desire is evil, 56
everyone says i must be evil. 57
deerfly said, “come home,” 58
but there was nothing left to drink. 59
we had our miracles: 60
i loved, she forgave, 61
we wet the bed 62
and burned our stake. 63
and i think people talk to me. 64
but i’m getting ahead of myself, 65
she doesn’t know me. still, 66
we ate tails of skates, 67
stone fish piled up on the plate, 68
we spit in our masks to keep the fog out, 69
we split our lips to eat what 70
each other were about, 71
we learned what texture means, 72
we lectured the barracuda on their dirty dreams 73
drawing axioms with starfish 74
and adding saline to every proof. 75
i pulled her bodies’ tides into 76
a tight cycle of response and back beatings, 77
she sucked my spirit like she’d never eaten 78
air before. she taught my body to tell the truth. 79
we hammered the other’s shells 80
till either one of us would have 81
traded the other for a quiet room in hell 82
and we had sex. 83
sand flea said, “roll over,” 84
and we burned both sides. 85
so her brother and me 86
went to thailand for iced tea 87
and to watch the hookers 88
and talk about what we were gonna sell. 89
oh, god, what have i given away? 90
tiger beetle said, “statues,” 91
and the coma lasted too long. 92
the dijeridoom and the white faces met 93
sheets, cups of tabuli and a bee and double you set. 94
that’s funny, get it? that’s really funny. 95
but getting back to the vampire priest, 96
the boy decided which lines 97
i’d wear of goggles designed for open air 98
’cause the closed masks were filling up too quick, 99
you know, since i met her 100
the masks are all spoiled too quick. 101
every day people talk to me, i’m sure. 102
i can’t help but feel 103
the feelings i’ve stolen 104
are like a carbide steel, 105
whoops, they’re sharp 106
and dip through the air fly fed carp 107
but i’m losing it. i cry at small sounds, 108
desk splattered ink, these choice rebounds, 109
and dem fleeces so golden 110
no longer thrill me. 111
if it turns out i’m a coward (and i asked nice 112
enough) would’ja kill me? 113
silkworm said, “it’s just words,” 114
so i finished the fifth alone. 115
i want to wear that black girl instead 116
and i hate to repeat myself 117
but i’ve gotta take back everything 118
i said. let me start over. 119
she say, “really, what is it with you?” 120
scarab said, “what the fuck?” 121
so i broke every commandment of god. 122
i am a liar because i insist on telling the truth, 123
i am a liar because i wasted my youth 124
on women who will always be young. 125
because i hate murder 126
yet that’s what i do to her 127
and further it wouldn’t be as nice as five letters. 128
i’d gut shoot the bitch 129
and slap her reaching hands down 130
kick in her eyes without 131
so much as a frown, 132
find her a shallow grave near an acequia, 133
what she’d have called a ditch. 134
oh, god, what have i given away? 135
that’s not what i wanted to say. 136
i wanted to say, “let me start over.” 137
firefly said, “follow,” 138
and there we were on the water. 139
i put her on 140
the male power myth that i lifted her with 141
in the window in front of twenty five thousand to see 142
and i didn’t care what i put into me 143
any more than it matter for she. 144
digger wasp said, “go,” 145
and we ran for our lives. 146
our noses were wet and going numb 147
but we could still smell the apples on the ground 148
in the yellow grass near the buffalo fields 149
in the rich man’s back yard 150
in an impoverished mountain town 151
where these boys paint. 152
you know what i want to say? 153
that it’s all going to go away, 154
the breathing, the eating, the sleep, 155
and we will each lie 156
with formaldehyde in dirt 157
or kept as dust in a jar 158
but it’s not gonna matter to any of us 159
where we are. 160
tick said, “drink,” 161
and we had to walk home–sleep in all the daylight. 162
it’s a woman who i’ll never have 163
but it doesn’t trouble tribbles 164
or the things in the bag 165
i carry around from home to house, 166
mouth to mouth, blue and yellow 167
from nibbles i made behind the terminator shade 168
and i put the seedee on one song 169
and i belt along 170
until i’m as sick of skin 171
as i’ve ever been then 172
i understand burrough’s interzone, 173
i’m ready to go home, 174
humiliated, shamed and seeing 175
bugs on everyone’s secret face. 176
and i really thought i could win 177
but tres were styled and she held the aces. 178
do you know what i’m saying 179
or do i have to spell it out? 180
s-h-e-w-a-s-f-u-c-k-i-n-g-u-s-b-o-t-h. 181
death watch beetle said, “click,” 182
and we broke every clock in the house. 183
“looks like i bit off more than i can chew,” 184
she said to me and i relay to you 185
out of pride and perhaps to capture 186
something aimed at closing intent, 187
a denouement, a settlement, 188
a bitter but convertible statement 189
made as an aside to the ones 190
waiting for the rapture. 191
the secret to happiness isn’t 192
in preparing for death, 193
it’s hearing the bugs 194
and breathing your children’s breath. 195
lady bug said, “i was young once,” 196
and i knew she must have been so beautiful. 197
joie de vie rhymes with wanna be 198
and maybe it really is just me 199
’cause i’m prepared to say, 200
“there’s no new themes today, cuz, 201
they’ve all gone away 202
and nothing can bring them back.” 203
i’m black inside you know, 204
split me open and you’ll find dead wood 205
rotten beams, happy bugs and 206
amber paperweight screams, 207
oh, god, is that all there is anyway? 208
but there’s one thing left wanting. 209
i looked in the sky, i looked 210
in the rocks, i looked under the rugs; 211
couldn’t find it. 212
i put two and two together. 213
and that’s exactly what i mean to say. 214
butterfly said, “cry,” 215
and the evil spell was broken. 216
i’ve finally learned my lesson but 217
if i fill out the release, 218
sign the squeaky wheel confession, 219
i’m sure yer gwanna grease me too, 220
because ayn told me you need my sanction 221
and i’m not gonna admit a criminal scheme 222
just because i’m not content with what you mean. 223
premonition or wishful sinking, 224
a future for production, protection or gore, 225
you’ve gotta decide to go for the pesticide 226
or suck up the bodies by the dishful. 227
life is war, girl, and you’re the only one. 228
everything should be weighed carefully and 229
there’s something to be said on the side of neutrality 230
but for your own sake don’t risk saying it to me… 231
i’m not kidding anymore, 232
you have to decide. 233
23.10 to 28.11.94
Tiny red spotted black beetle
I take it to be a chilocorus stigma, a twice-stabbed lady bug. Quite tiny. Found underneath a stinging nettle leaf.
book of autumn thirst: bad? i don’t mean depressed
[book of autumn thirst]
bad? i don’t mean depressed
i mean the type that slowly undressed, 1
banana peeling futures. 2
wheel of fortune, 3
unwanted abortion, 4
your parents never lived. 5
prized possession, 6
unwelcomed confession, 7
that came off 8
as practiced, practical, glib. 9
when i say you sound bad 10
i don’t mean depressed 11
i mean the type that ran with the rest 12
and counted on the crowd 13
to conceal your general incompetence 14
(and coincidentally 15
the faces of the foster children that you molest). 16
2.7·27.6.95
The dreadful but quiet war 2: Cooper’s hawk buffet –or– Mmmmmm… flicker licking good
Saw a hawk on a fallen tree going to town on a bird out a living room window. I’ve caught a Cooper’s hawk eating before but not on “film.” This time I got the video camera right away and got some distant but decent footage. The bird it was eating looked light blue but was large. I knew it wasn’t a Steller’s jay or a band-tailed pigeon though. Perplexing gestalt of a dead bird.
I took the plain digital camera out to try to get some close-ups. Predictably, he was gone before I was even closing the door.
They are very cautious. Didn’t get any closer last time. Interesting that their nearly identically, slightly smaller, chubbier, cousin the Sharp-shinned hawk seems so relaxed about being viewed.
Anyway. Missed him but found feathers everywhere. Casing the site turned up the skull of the departed. A northern red-shafted flicker. It must have looked light blue from a distance because it was half plucked and only had skin and under feathers showing.
There was a successful flicker nest in the woods somewhere this year because there were three juveniles with a parent at the feeder a lot a couple of months ago. I guess the babies didn’t have time to learn all the tricks, like when to duck.
Makes me miss Sacha.
book of autumn thirst: i mean cruel
[book of autumn thirst]
i mean cruel
tied rag on a broom stick of tricks 1
became the rule; 2
i don’t mean requirement 3
but the list goes: 4
mean, cruel, 5
spleen, gruel, 6
clean, drool, 7
screen, spool, 8
me, you. 9
a highwayman who would’ve 10
scared the kids of your generation 11
was shot dead by a kid of mine. 12
we were lied to, 13
but then so were you, 14
we were occasionally brutalized, 15
but so were you. 16
so what’s the excuse? 17
it seems there’s a spirit 18
of inverted stupidity 19
because we’re bright 20
but then we’re also cruel. 21
the generation skips over 22
noëls and the wolves 23
that trip to the, in the, at the 24
dance (that if it wasn’t so brutal) 25
would really be quite beautiful. 26
11-12.6.95
Sphere weaving spider
Found on a Carkeek park hike today (which I fear to be the last nice day of full sunlight in Seattle for 2006). Click for a larger version.
No idea what kind of spider it is. Fairly large. They weave their webs in a sphere.
Black Douglas squirrel
Never seen one of these guys before. This was up on Lake Quinault. Supposedly it’s just a dark morph of the common gray squirrel. This one got into a shouting match with a pileated woodpecker at about 6 a.m. the next morning. Didn’t feel much like getting up just to record it for the ages though.
Update: Bob reminds me there is another squirrel up here which is a much better match. It’s not a black squirrel. It’s a Douglas squirrel.
Girl of my dreams
This large hornet—which it appears is not a true hornet at all—turned up this afternoon. They are just about the only insect I see on the snowberry blossoms all the time. She was a bit tuckered and stopped to clean her eyes and rest. This isn’t the best macro. It was as close as I could get though and even that was quite therapeutic. You can read more about why by clicking on the picture. Maybe someday I’ll be jamming the lens into another vespa’s face but not today.
Osprey catch
At the beach at Carkeek park on the 12th. The closest, clearest shot, the first, was a pass right over us. The others were quite far away so the quality suffers. Here is another osprey picture of mine. That one from Green Lake.
book of autumn thirst: this time isn’t bad yet
[book of autumn thirst]
this time isn’t bad yet
this time isn’t bad 1
yet the odds for finishing strong are fair. 2
the old bags are glad, 3
the kids glued to the set 4
are restless and starting to get loose. 5
the three thousand lines 6
that led to this item should have 7
imparted faith to every nonbeliever. 8
this time isn’t bad 9
yet it’s no better either, 10
tell you what you do– 11
let’s try a new hair cut, jacket and pair of shoes, 12
now from the top: 13
the dust accrues my lust for you– 14
i trusted you, i got you wet and rusted you… 15
aw, fuck it. cut. 16
let’s just get on with take two. 17
2.7.95
Occidental shag
Considered, just for the joke, selling it on eBay. Reconsidered when considering the DNA. Speaking of which, how is it that one can have no less than four distinctly different hair colors?
jenny blank and me ii
jenny blank and me ii
she found the names, 1
my own personal 2
book of the dead 3
complete with photographs, 4
a passing resemblance, 5
half grin, slight twist. 6
she said to me, 7
“what makes you shallow 8
makes me deep, 9
there’s only so much 10
water to go around.” 11
i say, “pretty girl, 12
day girl, lives in a play 13
world. missing miss 14
machination missed 15
my merry list.” 16
5.30 9.3.91
I still shudder for Jack Tripper at least once a week
Shopping on the way out of town while the house is watched by a twitchy, underfed Belgian shepard and a grad student, of same disposition if not race, who is unaware I wired a spy cam in what must remain an undisclosed room for now.
I had a short list, only thing of somewhat importance was diaper wipes. We never use them at home but on the road it can be a matter of life and death. Literally. Well, not literally at all but I’m tired of everyone else getting to use it while I can’t because I know what it means.
The diaper wipes were the only thing I forgot because I have never been able to stand to watch Three’s Company. I feel like I should not explain that. Let it remain that visible part of the iceburg. Refrain from explaining how I cannot bear embarrassment, especially in others, not even fictional embarrassment. Stop just short of describing the geriatic gentleman who was shopping the diaper wipes first, distracting me so I had to flee to the pet products by which time I’d completely forgot why I was on that side of the store at all.
Too late.
where i bite
where i bite
where i bite is a site quite to the right 1
of impacted thinkers like noam le chomsky. 2
what i bite is the copyright on trite, 3
the redactions left of comrade lincolnski. 4
1.05 11.06.05
Sub parr –or– That pun makes no sense
A handful of trout parr got landlocked in a stagnant pool after some high water. I gave it week before breaking down and catching them and putting them back into the running water of the creek. Such pretty little guys, even before they get the great patterns of the mature fish.
ready set
ready set
no, you’re not the one, princess, 1
and your ass is anything but priceless; 2
your wing in a sling, you’re flightless, 3
a tribute to a nile god but not isis. 4
4.97
Kingfisher rollover
Day before yesterday this belted kingfisher landed on a wire from a couple decades ago that’s grown embedded into an alder tree by the creek. It was through a window and a ways off so it’s not too clear. You should be able to mouseover the image to see him taking flight.
the pumpkin tree; how you see a face
the pumpkin tree; how you see a face
that mean old tree was bad to me, 1
it put a gun in my ear and it made everyone worry 2
’cause i took it away so easily. 3
the insomnia climbed on me won’t let me give up 4
so here i am to preach in pajamas 5
of the saratoga and the sphinx moth, 6
of the beagle and the sackcloth 7
that will cover the sun without prediction 8
and leave you 9
and a few to survive, 10
toasting the pumpkin tree and the rationality 11
that both put you where you are 12
and happened by to see it coming. 13
25·11.12.95
Epiphytic fern fiddleheads
Seems late in the year for fern growth but these guys are just taking off now that the autumn rains are starting.
I think these are polypodium scouleri but that’s just a guess from some browsing. They grow in the yard in the apple tree that gets the most shade. Some very attractive moss too. I was going to start learning about mosses and lichens but when I discovered that Washington boasts several thousand species of lichen, most of which look almost exactly the same, I went back to birds.
fake
fake
faking it, by the pool of dark water, cold water. 1
i have faked it so many times, 2
and you suppose you knew that i did– 3
faked the color of iodine, 4
faked the feelings, 5
faked the tear gas and the lines 6
that you were sure only maniacs, 7
killers and executioners spoke; 8
people in power of position, 9
men, like me, in a bullying place. 10
perfecting skills that pre-empt. 11
you know what i mean? 12
i mean i know (after much rigamorole and cajoling 13
from the so called peers) that you're afraid of me, 14
to even talk to me, 15
the talking of is easy. 16
and i fake even the not so frightening as before looks. 17
you know you and me and the room makes three... 18
and my eyes know 19
and in yours you see 20
i'm a rembrandt school painting, 21
i'm a maraschino cherry stuffed in the marianas trench 22
trying to pass for virginity. 23
6.12.95
Deinonychus v panthera leo
My daughter is showing all the signs of being a naturalist prodigy. Completely unprompted and uncoached she knew that a deinonychus would make short work of a lion on any castle balcony in the world.
Camel cricket
I guess the prefered name is now “cave cricket” but since most of the species don’t live in caves, I’ll stick with “camel.” Slightly more descriptive, if not informative. Very beautiful tortoise shell pattern. Fairly common among the native spiders in Seattle too.
It wasn’t out in the sun. It was hiding under a wet piece of wood I turned over. A historical aside, this is the first kind of insect Verity ever held.
One wood wasp a laying
Maybe an orussidae. Supposedly these little ones are a bit rare. Something that I find increasingly irritating about that. Nearly every time I look up an animal it says they are rare or unusual in the range I find them. When I was a kid in New Mexico I saw animals, mostly birds, constantly that weren’t even supposed to live within two states of me.
Almost every week I see animals that are supposedly rare. What is truly rare is an observant person and that includes the would-be, wanna-be, and supposed-to-be science types who riddle every documentary and field guide with vague inaccuracies based on their own limited range.
