Self-portrait, 1988
Sketched from a photo Jeremy took in his room in Hokona at UNM. I’m not dead certain of the year.
Not so fast there Barnaby
So Barnaby, if that really is his name, sent me a picture of him playing a guitar for his new band’s site (Babelshack). Art warning.
Part of me hoped it was a new model of Schecter or a Cort I didn’t know. I didn’t begrudge him that. Most of me said, that’s a Paul Reed Smith. Life is so unfair.
I wrote to ask. It is a PRS. He swung it through a situation where the owner was deceased and the wish was not to see it go to the pawn shop eBay.
Well, okay, Mr. I-have-one-and-you-don’t. Take that.
and have since refused
and have since refused
this is goodbye to the only woman i’ll ever love with conviction, 1
this is sealed my eternal resignation you termed addiction, 2
this is wooden lies to save us all from the necessary conclusion– 3
this infernal machination i am–fires, termites, prayers and contusions. 4
1.06 2.7.95
Bingo
I wrote a couple of really nice little songs after I’d moved to Seattle and found employment. I was writing a lot of prose and such before I found a job. Once I did, music was all that would come. One, called 4 a.m., I’ve almost entirely lost and it’s a bloody shame b/c it was quite nice musically. More melodic than normal. It was sort of calling out Alanis on her loss of anger and righteousness. This is the other which marked a pretty wide departure musically… well, anyway, you can’t hear it yet so just have the lyrics.
Bingo
she has a new name now 1
but you knew her as a friend's 2
little sister 3
one time at recess 4
I recall 5
you tried to kiss her 6
in the shark school we played in 7
she learned to discount sin 8
it was a good lesson 9
for her 10
it was a good lesson for all concerned 11
it was a good lesson that we all learned 12
and she 13
makes 14
an adorable 15
whore 16
and bingo 17
is her name now 18
oh! 19
we recognized each other 20
out in front of 21
the showbox 22
she said i looked good 23
i said she was still a fox 24
we got to talking 25
about whom who's been fucking 26
she made me an offer 27
said how good it would be 28
she made me an offer 29
and i had forty bucks on me 30
and she 31
makes 32
an adorable 33
whore 34
and bingo 35
is her name now 36
oh! 37
1998
The return of the spider envy
Since Daniel insists on waving his around more. I have here another all new wolf spider which is a bit more upscale—larger and more colorful—than the last two.
For any students of spider behavior I should mention I did not find her on the salmonberry pictured but in the weeds I was pulling. I picked her up and put her up where she couldn’t hide immediately so I could get a picture or two. And she’s missing her right front leg but I don’t think that was my doing. And if she wasn’t gravid she was well fed.
Confusion Infusion
A quick note: it was written a couple of years before Jane’s Addiction released their second studio LP.
confusion infusion
after her symbolic suicide 1
everyone heard she died 2
the phone rang so much more 3
than it ever did before 4
so this is the (and when you find) 5
* Confusion Infusion 6
bop 7
† if you want to know what she thinks 8
be sure she's not your personal jinx 9
put it all down with pen and ink 10
and find out what she likes to drink 11
if you get by the distractions 12
find the path to her satisfaction 13
help her get away with the infractions 14
you can have her action 15
every night on with the ritual 16
but when it became, it became habitual 17
everyone who read the note 18
no one expected what she wrote 19
† when nothing you do can affect the illusion 20
she doesn't want to have the intrusion 21
and it's all driving for the same conclusion 22
think quick or take the contusion 23
colorless eyes like one way mirrors 24
something's wrong, take her to the doctor 25
she's in control and she's used to more 26
now you can pick your door 27
is she is, is she not 28
prices paid, collections sought 29
still enthused for what you got 30
is you are, is you not 31
Fledgling hummingbirds
These are the chicks from this mother and nest. The second is hard to see but it’s in exactly the same position, side by side with the one in front and you can see its bill and chin in the shadow. I expect they’ll fledge in the next few days.
Update: There is a better picture of them (well, one of them) here.
contributing editor
contributing editor
it was a sort of obituary estuary 1
and i was a tributary 2
of the tribe contrived 3
of dirty girl blood 4
and lonely boy god 5
and meanwhile cat in fix clawed 6
her half way off the tarmac, 7
spat through broken jaw 8
and twitching eyes, 9
swollen sockets and greasy flies 10
laying little eggs. 11
power is a daisy, 12
gertrude stein was lazy, 13
ezra pound once abound 14
is hardly heard today. 15
chiang k’ai-shek 16
had an air of stone around neck, 17
adrienne rich is still a bitch 18
though she writes quite well. 19
i suppose it’s the clothes, 20
the straw, the hat, the pose, 21
that keep the gore beakèd crows 22
coming back, coming back. 23
you know i’m so tired and wasted 24
that it is a chore to remember what i’ve tasted 25
for masturbation’s sake, for breathing, for you. 26
i kiss the rifled buck shot and curse the lady of shallot, 27
is her fate becoming mine, please tell me, will it? 28
addiction to the finish, 29
may this bacchanal not diminish 30
my two tone witch who is finnish 31
and real enough to me. 32
we’ll drink foxglove garnished tea 33
and varnish shall not tarnish thee 34
and thou shalt not harness me 35
lest my wages be blood. 36
the year was nineteen one two, 37
the president was taft, 38
in the best dream i ever slept through 39
howard roark laughed. 40
come to me sweetheart, 41
come find me dear, 42
for my mind is going 43
and i think just one more year 44
will erase what is left, 45
conquer what is bereft. 46
i can’t believe anymore, i can’t 47
breathe anymore. 48
the year is nineteen ninety four, 49
kurt cobain is dead, 50
i’ve lain with a whore, 51
my mascara bled. 52
i fled to pacific shore, 53
dividing my flooded seed 54
between the abortionist and my creed 55
and still anne and sylvia 56
want me to feel more. 57
by chance at the dance she—pressed 58
tight in her pants—asked me 59
of virgins and war. 60
it is hard to admit and i’m loathe 61
to confess but i was on 62
six kinds of painkiller 63
(and wearing a dress), 64
her skin gave me crawlies, 65
her voice gave me creeps, 66
it would take a lotus spread sheet 67
to keep track of where she sleeps. 68
she went on while i yawned 69
and pined for the killing dawn 70
but the night refused to give ground. 71
remember the lesson 72
of the shrike and philodendron– 73
if you murder too often, 74
each repeat the blow will soften. 75
to rest of respite isn’t yet right, 76
while i went ahead and surveyed the site 77
she filled her red light calendar– 78
midnight cocaine sale, 79
blue lighted skin death pale 80
and lately i can only see 81
her body as a colander. 82
i just had to write melville 83
at his home address in swellville 84
because the narcotics had taken 85
a decidedly atlantic coast turn. 86
the protection i afforded 87
was more expensive when she boarded, 88
this doll was someone’s moll, 89
i checked what was stuck at the door. 90
the wetness made it through her jacket, 91
the moisture made itself felt, 92
the bitch could deny up a racket 93
while i dug deep the welts. 94
mountain pass rain was freezing 95
and i take it back, 96
i am not leaving, 97
i like the new nine inch nails too much. 98
say, while i’m on the subject 99
don’t you fucking touch 100
anything that is me. 101
eddie vedder and tycho brahe 102
were splitting a case of asahi, 103
while the painter carved in seattle the blood 104
ran down my back in sixty six on central. 105
you know what seems too funny 106
to me at times like this 107
is that i’m still waiting for 108
the patent on my kiss. 109
alack, i’d be remiss not 110
to let in on what’s amiss 111
but by the end of the drinking 112
i was too drunk 113
and the stargazer had died 114
(i’m sure it was the syphilis, poor chump, 115
if mold had only been applied). 116
there’ve been snares jokingly set 117
and heroes are no longer a reasonable bet, 118
for some strange reason they’re the ones 119
who owe society a debt, 120
i’d like to affect repairs on 121
the basic contradiction here, 122
but then i’d become a revolutionary 123
and veer far from the cause 124
because what’s in need here 125
is proof that the normal 126
doesn’t have to wear a thneed 127
or lie weak in ditches bleed, still 128
if my role requires something contributionary 129
you don’t have to twist me 130
i’ll take the lead. 131
while considering the property 132
and thinking of the jump 133
i was contemplating the night sky 134
when something went bump. 135
you see i’ve become a music writer, 136
lenin’s left his tomb, 137
and chris cornell cut his hair, 138
the end is coming soon. 139
the holy trinity is now just through, 140
and to be completely honest 141
i’m not sure what to do, 142
follow the one 143
or stay with the two. 144
god, you don’t make this easy, do you? 145
i’ve been putting it off but 146
there’s no rationale behind it 147
so we should end the delay. 148
the hornets are rotten apple dizzy 149
and i am punchy with sorrow 150
so don’t be too surprised today 151
if when i see you tomorrow 152
i have some anger to relay… but 153
it will stay right here now 154
and i’ll just have another beer tonight, 155
you don’t have to think of me. 156
hey, it’s not your fault right? 157
i mean, how could it be? 158
10.4.94
six tin breast: chorus (1)
six tin breast
chorus
SNOW LEOPARD DOWN, 1
THE WOLF’S IN THE HATCH. 2
THE FUSE IS PRIMED 3
SO STRIKE THE MATCH. 4
26.1.93 to 6.6.94
Fledgling Friday
Well, Thursday actually but what are you gonna do.
A very unworried mother winter wren let me watch her feed four or five or maybe more of her chicks for quite some time. They could fly but not well. None of the pictures with more than one chick came out. They were foraging in the shrubs along the creek lines. There was also a bushtit following them around as if it were a surrogate baby… or mother. Crows ate the bushtit nest last year.
I knew there was at least one nest around—also have Seattle wrens—but couldn’t find it. They went so far as to fill up the wren nest boxes I put out but they didn’t use them. This was mysterious until I read that the males will build many nests on spec but only finish one if a female gives the high sign.
The Anna’s hummingbird chicks are gone too. I suspect they all waited for a crappy day—yesterday was sunny—to fledge. House cats kill so many songbirds that I also suspect this behavior is a relatively recent adaptation. Goodbye shot below. A little better than the last one. I am guessing the one in front is a male from the early signs of magenta spots on his head. I think it’s interesting that they fledge before their beaks grow out all the way. Maybe at first they stick with the small spiders and insects they’re raised on.
While we’re on the topic—this from the US Fish and Wildlife site–
Americans keep an estimated 60 million cats as pets. Let’s say each cat kills only one bird a year. That would mean that cats kill over 60 million birds (minimum) each year - more wildlife than any oil spill.
That doesn’t even take into account the large number of feral cats and dogs who don’t just kill for pleasure.
University of Wisconsin ornithologist, Dr. Santley Temple estimates that 20-150 million songbirds are killed each year by rural cats in Wisconsin alone.
That’s just one state. Multiply it by 50 and it’s north of a billion.
Feline predation is not “natural.” Cats were domesticated by the ancient Egyptians and taken throughout the world by the Romans. Cats were brought to North America in the 1800s to control rats. The “tabby” that sits curled up on your couch is not a natural predator and has never been in the natural food chain in the Western Hemisphere.
Responsible pet owners keep their cats indoors.
In many states it’s legal to shoot any animal—provided it isn’t Federally protected—that makes its way onto your property. We will never run out of cats. We already have and will continue to run out of many song birds. If you love animals and care about ecological diversity, I recommend finding out if it’s legal where you live and, if so, shooting every cat that wanders through your yard. There are plenty of lethal air guns which are legal to discharge in places regular arms are not.
If you’re the kind of cat owner who cries for all the oil covered animals when things like Exxon Valdez happen but only feel squeamish pride when Kitty brings you another rare finch, you need to reexamine your priorities. It only would have taken one cat ten minutes to kill every one of those wren chicks including the one pictured above.
Rhododendron (Pacific forest light)
From today. One of five colors we have around the house (pink, white, peach, violet, and red).
Surprise payoff on past investment
Three years ago I collected all the cones I could find from our tallest Douglas-fir. I put them in a little dirt pit with some dry sticks and I burned them. Douglas-firs grow their cones mostly near the tree top so that they bake instead of burning to cinders during fire. The seeds in the cones, as I understand it, only (or perhaps especially?) become viable after being burned. Hence the need for forest fires—destruction isn’t just a part of nature, it’s 51% of it—for this and many other species to continue. I planted the burned cones in a row along the creekside and forgot about them after nothing turned up that year.
Today I was weeding out the creek side and discovered a foot high sapling where I’d planted scorched cones. Maybe just around the time I die it will be as tall as its parent and when my grandkids die, if this property—the creek side is mostly park—is still taken care of, perhaps it will be a 200 foot monster where eagles nest.
hap
hap
go inside, child, 1
you’ll be safe there 2
should the planets coincide 3
or your mother misread a prayer, 4
and if the spirit should ever move 5
you to decide 6
then we’ll teach you 7
of gears and of walls. 8
19.57 11.7.94
Bushtit basket
Two days ago someone found this site by searching for “bushtit pet.” Strangely enough, yesterday I stumbled upon a bushtit nest built at eye level just a foot off a park trail. You can see it’s made of moss and lichen and I don’t know what else; in the shape of a basket or a sock. Probably spider webs like the hummingbirds use.
I wouldn’t even have seen it but the mother was inside and, I think, chicks were chirping at her for food. I reached over to very gently—I used to catch hummingbirds in my bare hands, no lie—test the weight of the nest. When I did, the mother flew out, stopped to eyeball me, then flew away. Of course I wasn’t ready with the camera.
Sorry about the weird crop. The image was crooked and my arm was in it. I had to reach through the salmonberries to get a picture that showed the nest opening.
Nature quiz: How many animals can you see?
Take a look. Take your time. How many animals do you see in the picture of a tidal pool below?
Now we’ll give you your chance to see how you did before the animals are revealed.
Okay. How many? What do you see?
You got the fish/eel. That’s easy, right. One.
The “big” hermit crab. Two.
More?
The littler hermit crab?
The shrimp? What shrimp you say? Well, there are four of them. Which brings our total to seven animals.
How close were you?
Six? Amazing.
Seven? Don’t lie to me. I still sort of like you. Here’s the close-up, minus one shrimp way over on the right.
Answer key
So, your score. You could have seen: one fish (very eel like), two crabs, four shrimp.
7: Natural genius. Darwin, Cousteau, and Audubon combined couldn’t do better.
6: Very, very sharp. You should’ve been a sniper.
5: Okay, but if you saw two of the shrimp, at least one more should have been easy.
4: Still pretty good.
3: Yeah, you’re not cut out for this but that’s not terrible.
2: You make a habit of giving up easily in life, don’t you?
1: Are you kidding? The fish or the crab?
And one last shot so you can better see what the shrimp look like.
if she ever
if she ever
the sun ate me up, 1
daughter she does weep, 2
her tears make her hair corkscrew, 3
the sorrow makes her beauty keep. 4
19.41 7.7.94
wakeless sleep #11
wakeless sleep #11
a magpie feather 1
and a dry blood soaked cat’s skull 2
were on the dresser on her letters 3
in the place outside the catskills. 4
0.17 20.7.94
[8 minutes]
[8 minutes]
a worldwide midnight eight minutes 1
in the coming. 2
when god bespoke a love enduring 3
he was only funning. 4
02.06.05
In My Shadow
IN MY SHADOW
HONOR—LIES MURDERED 1
AND IT SEEMS HER BLOOD 2
IS STILL UNDER MY NAILS 3
JUSTICE—A QUIET HISS 4
AS THE WIND GOES OUT OF 5
MY SAILS AGAIN 6
* THE WORLD IS DARK, SAFE, AND SURE 7
AND IT'S JUST ME HERE IN MY SHADOW 8
THE WORLD IS DARK, SAFE, AND SURE 9
AND IT'S JUST ME 10
SLEEPING—WHILE YOU WISH ME 11
AWAKE TO PROMISE YOU NEVER TO DIE 12
REACHING—FOR EACH THING 13
THAT TRIES TO DROWN ME 14
IN MY BLOOD WITH A CUP OF LYE 15
* (chorus) 16
† (screams on high unisons) 17
†† (guitars trade on off beats) 18
BREAKDOWN—FALL DOWN 19
TEAR MY VEINS OUT 20
TO YOUR BROKEN RHYTHM 21
LIARS—IN DENIALS 22
I HATE YOUR FRIENDS 23
AND I'M STARTING TO HATE YOU WITH THEM 24
* (chorus) 25
HONOR—LIES MURDERED 26
AND IT SEEMS TO BE 27
THE SAME OLD FRAME UP AGAIN 28
JUSTICE—A QUIET HISS 29
AS SHE REFUSES 30
TO ENROLL MY NAME AGAIN 31
* (chorus) 32
(bass guitar plays it out—siren in distance) 33
(long pause, new track) 34
(drums in, all accoustic, slight return) 35
I WAS—SO IN LOVE 36
WITH AN IDEA 37
THAT'S BEEN SO HARD TO FIND 38
SHE WAS—SO IN LOVE 39
WITH A SACRIFICE 40
THAT I COULD NOT PROVIDE 41
SCRATCHING THE SCABS AND THINKING OF YOU 42
1992
worthless interlude/deep commentary #1
worthless interlude/deep commentary #1
vlad the impaler 1
and sir raleigh the sailor 2
had dinner with ahab the whaler, 3
now they all need a tailor. 4
23.10.94
Married to His Death
Ashley Pond V · “Married to His Death” · 1995 · Acrylic on canvas, painted with a skinning knife · 8" x 10" · Painted at the Lobo Ranch in Taos, NM. Color match is not perfect.
Sea lion #1189
Sea lion with a tag designating him “1189.” Yesterday in Elliott Bay about 3/4 mile off shore of Discovery Park.
Dall’s porpoises
Man, are they fast. Out of about 20 pictures, this was the best one. Saw them the same trip as the sea lion.
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Later salmonberry
Here’s the before picture. They taste better this year. A little more like raspberries and a little less like waterlogged Chinese candy.
We eat very few of them. We leave the lion’s share to the birds so they can spread the seeds. It works well. Almost every patch of disturbed soil around here that I’ve kept weed free either sprouts a fern, a salmonberry, a maple, or a red alder.
No comments · [comment]
neonatal hots
neonatal hots
a rhyming dictionary 1
married blood, suicide, 2
incest, rape, and divorced; 3
nothing so trite 4
it might not be made ugly, 5
providing enough force. 6
27.05.06 23.14
Repentance
Repentance
the resemblance was amazing 1
she had nails in her hands 2
an angel with an arrow stabbed her heart out 3
i wanted to cry so i laughed out loud 4
and packed my eyes full of sand 5
full of sand, filled with sand... 6
and she no longer believes in god 7
she was drowning in a cornfield 8
mother mary just would not set her free 9
when father oak was burned in his sleep 10
she couldn’t follow me 11
but no chains made could this slave baby keep 12
baby keep 13
and she no longer believes in god 14
marry magdelaine 15
pulled a new york subway train 16
but god doesn’t mind, she's catholic 17
sally jesus jane 18
hit her little boy again 19
but she’s repentant this time 20
in a used toyota she made her way southwest 21
landing on the table of bread and love 22
one more try the eucharist at lips 23
she eats the child’s flesh 24
and she swallows his blood 25
drinks the blood 26
and when it’s still blood 27
drink the blood 28
1992
Related image for those who don’t know their art history or Catholic symbolism–
